MY ADHD STORY... THE EARLY ACADEMIC YEARS.

I grew up as an undiagnosed ADHD individual in a small coastal town in Massachusetts with a pretty typical upbringing. Two amazing parents, two sisters, dogs and cats. A great neighborhood with plenty of other kids to play with.

I was always an active kid. Not "hyperactive" in the clinical sense...but active and physical. Non-stop activity in the healthiest sense. I could not stand being stuck indoors and spent the majority of my childhood (and adulthood) outdoors. Being outside, participating in physical activities was where I felt the most comfortable and content.

I performed extremely well in elementary school and I hit or exceeded all of my academic milestones. I had lots of friends. Friendships were made that still remain today. I was a well mannered student and I liked my teachers (except Mrs. Dolan) and they liked me (except Mrs. Dolan). Elementary school was pretty easy for me. Show up, follow some simple directions and rules, play at recess, eat lunch, dominate PE class... repeat. Sure, I suffered from boredom from time to time, but nothing I could not manage or that presented challenges in the school setting.

Then middle school came.

And along with it came the first of the more obvious signs of possibly possessing an ADHD brain. I went from a "straight A" student, to suddenly feeling as though it was impossible to manage all of the new responsibilities. More independence, different classes and schedules, more rigid academic expectations and the ADHD brain's most dreaded nemesis: HOMEWORK! The academic aspect of school was suddenly much more challenging and annoying, while the social aspects of middle school became MUCH more important. Looking back, it felt as though being forced to sit at a desk and listen and hold information was a new found form of Hell. I would sit and attempt to listen. Attempt to care. But it just did NOT happen. I was able to sit and pretend - look the part. But all the while my brain was focused on things like: the girl I had a crush on and what she might think about me... if I was going to hit a home run at my baseball game that evening... "what did I bring for lunch?", "I wonder how much that guy (mowing the grass outside my classroom window) gets paid", "I wonder if George Washington had a good sense of humor?"...... And on and on and on my brain went without my permission - or even an awareness that I should be attempting to regulate my raging river of continuously flowing and nonstop thought. It all seemed and felt normal. It didn't bother me and it was the only type of brain functioning I had ever known. And at the time, I it was my normal. I thought everyone had a brain like mine. I mean, brains are just brains, right? Back then, I was too naive and unaware of how a brain was supposed to behave. I never considered for one second that there could be other ways of functioning. I would take notice that the other students were able to remember facts or mathematics rules better than I was, but I just chalked it up to... "they just care more than I do, I guess". I knew I was as intelligent - or more intelligent - than most of my classmates on many levels. But when we would receive our report cards, I was always astonished and crushed when I realized how poorly I had performed. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It was shocking and embarrassing and I would ride the bus home in disbelief on those days knowing I had to present to my parents a report card revealing C's and D's on it. Revealing how "stupid" I was... or at least revealing how stupid I now felt. I thought I was a prefect student. I never missed school. I was well behaved for the most part. I "think" I did most of my homework. I was participating and excelling on athletic teams. I loved my teachers. I loved going to school. I loved my friends.

"How the Hell did I do so poorly on my report card?!"

It never made sense.

I believed I was trying. I believed I was giving good effort. I believed I was good student.

I believed I was paying attention... but I wasn't.

What I WAS paying attention to was everything that the dopamine in my brain was telling me to focus on... and very few of those had to do with school or academics. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my brain was having an adverse reaction to anything "school" or anything it did not consider enticing, exciting, fun, social, competitive, or humorous.

But man, I could definitely pay attention to those types of things! Actually, there was no way for me to not pay attention to anything that my brain craved or was attracted to. The problem was... I had no idea this was happening. I paid no attention to a teacher spewing rules and facts and information. But I had nothing BUT focus for basically everything else.

I had no reference point. And neither did my parents. Nor did my teachers. Back then (1980's), I had only lightly heard of the term ADHD / ADD because a good friend of mine (who I'm still very close with) had been diagnosed with it in elementary school. Back then, ADHD simply meant he was "hyper". Everything about my typical school day felt normal to me. I had nothing to compare my type of brain to. I never once had a single thought that anything was different from my peers. And neither did anybody else. All I knew back then was that for some reason I was getting bad grades on my report card and I had to endure those few days a year of extreme embarrassment and shame when I handed it over to my parents.

The guilt, confusion and shame would continue to mount as time went on and high school came into focus on the horizon...

Hey look, a squirrel...!

*sidenote - I sat down at my computer to pay my bills and instead I somehow wrote my first blog.